My Adoption Story - A Letter

For some reason, I feel this need to put my adoption story into writing...I need to describe for myself and for my family and friends what this thing is all about.

Here is how I found out about my birthfamily.

My mom and dad's adoption papers were falsified. My original papers state that my birthparents were 11 or so years apart in age and unmarried. An illegitimate child in Korea has little hope for a good future.

When I was a student in France for a semester, a Korean gentleman approached me at the church I attended with my host family. He asked me in French if I were American. Yes, I said, how did you know? (I expected the usual question: Where are you from? which is always loaded down with meaning.) I don't remember how he answered, but I went on to explain that I was adopted. His response surprised me. He expressed guilt and asked for pardon on behalf of all Korean people for putting me up for adoption. Whoa. Hello! I'm the most BLESSED person in the world! Why would you feel guilty for letting blessing happen to me? And I don't even know you! You do not know my birthparents! I was learning about the intense cultural ties Koreans maintain with one another. I like to say that after living in Europe for one year and Asia for two and a half, that I see Americans and Koreans as being the most ego-centric culturally. Americans almost always hang out with other American expats. The same with Koreans.

In fact, when I was in Albania on a short-term missions trip, I was approached by a group of Koreans encouraging me strongly to stay with them to celebrate the New Year. I had no clue who these people were and I was with my own group! Very surprising.

At any rate...

Over the rest of the semester the gentleman and I met at various times to talk. He offered to find out more about my birthfamily when he got back to Korea, as he was a professor of law in Seoul. I sent him my papers when I returned home and didn't hear from him for a long time. Then during Spring Break my senior year in college, I received a letter from the adoption agency.

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I just pulled out the letter. It's right here in front of me. I haven't looked at it in years...and now I see that the agency did indeed give me the names to my birthparents! Wow! All these years I had forgotten that...Maybe I just didn't want to process it...it's funny, though, because when I was living in Korea a few years after receiving this letter (which does, indeed, include an offer to help me find my birthparents!), I asked the agency for my family medical records, which they do not keep. They could only offer to put me on a list of adoptees looking for their birthfamilies. If the birthfamilies come looking for their children, then they can be matched up. But why didn't the agency do more for me, if they had already promised to do so in this letter, written a few years prior? I don't know. Maybe I don't really want to find my birthfamily.

The letter states that my birthfather was 33 years old and had a "meek and gentle personality". I guess he was "attractive". They also include his height (5'5"), which I find amusing. My birthmother, apparently, is 5'4" and has a "very docile personality and a sweet disposition". She was 32 (not 22) at the time of my birth. They were married, and had three daughters already.

The report my mom and dad received when they adopted me stated that my birthparents had "already signed the legal document to relinquish parental rights" at the time of my birth. Now this letter states that "according to the story given by the midwife [my] birthparents decided on an adoption plan due to their serious financial problems after [my] birthfather's business went bankrupt." I wonder when that happened...

Like I said, the birthparents' names are included in the letter! How in the world did I miss that??? And the letter ends with an offer to help with finding my birthfamily! How in the world did I miss that??? The woman who signed the letter is the same woman whom I emailed years later when I lived in country and asked for my medical history. Maybe if I had reminded her of this letter, more than getting my name on a list might have happened.

But would I have wanted something more to happen?

I've read/heard that most adoptees are content seeing pictures of their birthfamilies. Or that when they do meet the birthfamilies, due to language and cultural barriers, the biggest thing they get out of the experience is: whoa, it's weird meeting someone who looks like me. I have three children, and none really look like me. In fact, just the other day, someone commented on how different each child looks. The person went on to say that our son looks more like Hub. Hey, I wanted to protest, you should compare my 2-month pictures with my son's 2-month pictures. We look similar! But yes, he's always compared to Hubby...sigh.

When I lived in Korea and took the subway into or out of Seoul, where I was born, I would search the faces of my fellow passengers, looking for a woman who looked like me. Maybe she would be one of my sisters! I never did see anyone who looked similar.

I guess if I did meet my birthparents, I would try to assuage any guilt they might bear. I would convince them in the strongest terms I know that I grew up blessed, in a loving, Christian home. I would express my thanks to them for giving me a wonderful life in America. I would bring pictures of my happy childhood, of my dear family. I would hug them if they wanted, and listen to their words. Out of curiosity and a love of studying people, I would ask for their stories. How did you meet? What are your parents like? Did you have cravings when you were pregnant with me? Why did you give me up for adoption, again?

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Do I have a burning desire to meet my birthfamily?

No, not really.

But I would, if the opportunity presented itself.

I mean, why not? My story reads like a novel. I'm interested myself, in how it'll all turn out! Curiosity - that's why I'd meet them. Resolution? Reconciliation? Two big words, too big ideas. I'm not there. Yet.

Forgiveness is one thing when it's between you and God. It's another thing when you're face-to-face with the other person.

And like I said, I'm not there yet.

But now that I have names, I can pray for them. Yes, I can pray. The Lord calls me to pray, draws me to His heart to pray for my birthparents. That I can do.